understated apperception

An empty page on the screen is akin to an empty canvass without a sketch, albeit in mind.
An empty canvass contains many paintings while my hand gropes in pain to seek that one elusive composition, which is unformed in my mind.
My paintings are signed off before they are finished. My music always ends on a false note. My dreams are never long enough to be captured by my memory. My projections are reversed, my thoughtscape is deserted. I wait.
I keep waiting for that elusive word that would enlighten itself into a meaningful sentence. While waiting I just browse through the years that I have lived and wasted. None of them are real as experiences. All of them are faded memories. Like an outdated radio searching for a signal, I keep wandering inside myself to catch that one phrase which would transform my discomfiting silence into a soundless emptiness or a soulful music.
And weeks later as I read all that has been written on this page, just to write that next line, a silent grief engulfs me. Why do I write at all?
Perhaps an understated aggression pervades my alleged allegiance to all art forms, perhaps it is the unending love of deliberate self-harm.
And in the same note, does a stroke of pencil or brush destroy the inviting emptiness of a canvass? Is it a total destruction or a tsunami that leaves patches of life intact?
Where do I go from emptiness when I cannot attain everything? Why the woe of wondering in self-pity’s imposed solitude gratifying, even if temporarily? Why do I have the compulsion to get obsessed about sadness and anger, the black and red instead of the ambiguous blue which contains the spectrum of emotive hues?
Why do weaving words become more important than what they purport to impart? Why is design and form more attractive than concept and packaging, even when the mind is aware of the games it plays with itself?
What is the purpose of expressing? If catharsis is the prime motive then why do these expressions come over to public domain? Have I finished gazing at my mind’s mirror?

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2 Comments on “understated apperception”

  1. Hannah Says:

    This post made me gaze into space, almost thought-free….trying to capture my mind’s mirror. 🙂

  2. Umasree Says:

    Dr. this is a every writer’s thought. A true writer have a 2 way process…one is to find his thoughts beautifully woven into words that mean something to himself and others, and the second and important point is having a targetted audience. But not all times, we can write beautifully nor write for someone in purpose….how much ever you do, there is lot more to be filled in to the life….when your quest is larger than what life could contain, there there is an deeper sense of emptiness even after you have spent all your life attaining things….are you able to have one single day in life all for your self and the way you want it…then pretty much life is under your control…..

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